When you are the spouse or partner of a person experiencing depression, you may feel stuck between wanting to help and realizing depression is a force larger than your love at times. You may be on edge, hypervigilant, worried, and feel hopeless when you cannot fix it for them.
First things first. If your loved one is in a depressive state lasting longer than two weeks characterized by sleep disturbances, lack of interest in once-enjoyed activities, weight gain or loss, sad feelings, fatigue, irritability, suicidal thoughts, and/or social isolation, you should get professional help immediately. You can start with your family doctor, who may refer you to a mental health professional. Depression is not something to “wait and see” on, and it’s not something just anyone can identify or diagnose. Keep in mind, also, it is common for a depressed person to not want anyone (especially a loved one) to worry, so they will often put on a good front and minimize their true feelings.
When your spouse or partner is hurting, it is natural to want to solve it for them—to search for actions you can do to remove depression and replace it with happiness. While this is a valiant and tender-hearted gesture, it is also ill-fated. Depression doesn’t simply go away because you’ve loved more. Clinical depression can be a chemical imbalance, a residual effect of past trauma, a situational outcome, or a genetic predisposition, making treatment difficult in the best of circumstances.
So what does it feel like to watch your spouse or partner go through depression? Well, it’s depressing. It creates a situation that may feel out of control, hopeless, and heavy. You may become a watcher—watching what the depressed person says, what they look like, how they acted, and what didn’t happen. You may become a detective trying to identify something that will create change and bring lightness. “If only …” may become your new motto, “Why don’t you try …” your new daily suggestion.
As a partner and (at least to some extent) caretaker, you will need to keep yourself healthy. That may mean seeking your own individual therapy, seeing friends, doing activities you enjoy, exercising, eating healthy, and setting clear emotional boundaries about what you can change and what you must accept.
You may become consumed with fighting this depression and then, without realizing it and without meaning to, you may get angry—angry your loved one isn’t getting better, angry your life stinks, angry you can’t change this. You know it isn’t your loved one’s fault and they didn’t ask for depression, but you may get impatient anyway, wanting change to happen more quickly than they may be able to move. You may experience a grieving of sorts—for the loss of the life with your loved one that you once knew.
As a partner and (at least to some extent) caretaker, you will need to keep yourself healthy. That may mean seeking your own individual therapy, seeing friends, doing activities you enjoy, exercising, eating healthy, and setting clear emotional boundaries about what you can change and what you must accept.
It is not unloving to learn to maintain a distance from the depression; it may, in fact, be the only thing that keeps you healthy and available. Observing your loved one suffering while you live fully can be difficult to comprehend. You will no doubt ask yourself if you should be laughing, eating out, or seeing a movie. However, who will take care of you if you don’t? Finding lighter, more upbeat activities can create space that allows for some happy times for you. This space can fuel you when times are heavy and tough. As with all things, “this too shall pass” can be a mantra to absorb and hold true.
In time and with treatment, your spouse or partner can be happy again, and you can feel less worried and vigilant.
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